Hawaii Five-O (1968-80) -- Season 13 Episode Reviews☺

INCLUDING ODDITIES, GOOFS AND TRIVIA

Copyright ©1994-2017 by Mike Quigley. No reproduction of any kind without permission.


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RATINGS:
★★★★★ = A truly outstanding episode.
★★★★ = One of the very best episodes, a must-see.
★★★ = Better than average, worthy of attention.
★★ = Average, perhaps with a few moments of interest.
= One of the very worst, a show to avoid.
And They Painted Dairies On His Coffin ★★

Five-O investigates the murder of a milkman after some customers complained that he delivered their bottles of milk and cream at odd hours of the day, leaving them out in the hot sun.


Boner of Contention ★★★★★

The governor asks McGarrett to investigate the island porno industry to determine if footage in certain videos was faked. Watch carefully for the closeups on the governor's video collection which reveal "Property of Paul Jameson" stamped into the leather binding. Five-O Receptionist: Annette Haven. Chief of Police: John Holmes. Sea Life Park Attendant: Seka.


The Burning Lice ★★★

McGarrett's old girl friend/now journalist Margo Cooper (Carol Lawrence) returns to Honolulu, ostensibly to do a feature article on him for a major magazine, but the two of them pick up their romance from where they left off in season five's "Thanks for the Honeymoon." Goopy music by John Cacavas is heard as the two of them are seen in bed together (pretty shocking for the time this show was originally aired). However, the whole scene has a certain "virginal" air about it, as McGarrett still can't seem to make his mind up about whether he wants to commit himself to Margo. After Margo returns to the mainland, McGarrett seems very antsy when ordering the Five-O team around, much more than usual. Feeling he is under severe stress, he visits Doc Bergman who gives him a thorough checkup. Bergman tells McGarrett "You are suffering from an infestation of phylum Arthropoda, class Insecta, order Phthiraptera, suborder Anoplura, family Pthiridae, genus Pthirus, species Pthirus pubis." Exasperated, McGarrett tells the doctor, "English, Doc, English!" Bergman replies: "McGarrett, you've got the crabs."


A Chicken’s Work is With a Gun ★★˝

The show opens with Thad Vaughan smoking weed with Danno near the beach. Danno is temporarily distracted for a few minutes, then he sees Thad trying to jimmy open a car and tells him to cool it. Thad tells him that cops suck. Danno then socks Thad. Thad pulls out a gun and starts blasting at Danno, though he misses every time. Danno pulls out his gun and gives chase after Thad. Thad makes it back to his fleabag hotel where he runs into his room and locks the door. He goes to the fridge to get himself a beer. He opens the fridge and sees Chicken hiding inside. Chicken shoots Thad and gets out of the fridge. Danno breaks down the door and sees a wounded Thad and an open fridge. He wonders what this could mean. Chicken clocks Danno over the head. Chicken drives up to the Iolani Palace and kills McGarrett. The Governor declares the island to be quarantined. Huge birds start pooping all over the island. People panic. Bananas turn a funky pink color and the ocean becomes yellow. Just then Danno wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. (Thanks to Ringfire)


The Chin Who Clears The Way ★★★

Chin Ho gets bonked on the head while pursuing some suspects, as usual much too closely. When he wakes up, he has forgotten who he is and instead decides to be part of Wo Fat's retinue, doing evil things. The fact that Chin got killed at the end of season 10 is irrelevant (shades of the 1997 Stephen Cannell failed reboot).


The Cock Struck Twelve ★★

Chucho, the champion fighting rooster owned by Benny Apa in S01E12, "Pray Love Remember, Pray Love Remember," escapes from a poultry processing plant and goes after people who placed bets on him in the past. Benny is released from the Oahu State Mental Hospital near the end of the show to help with the case. He calmly talks Chucho out of killing the 12th and final guy, getting Chucho to peacefully surrender. When McGarrett asks Benny how he made it so quickly to the scene where Chucho was going to kill the last guy, Benny replies “I run some ... and ... and I walk some.” Incidentally, in the United Kingdom, the DVDs containing this episode have all the cockfighting scenes removed, plus those where Five-O is baffled because Chucho's victims have their eyes pecked out. (With help from Hermano of C/H/Q)


C.O.D. Honolulu -- Part I: Rat on a Wooden Model ★★★★

A thief sees a ring on the hand of a hand model used in jewelry ads on TV (her face isn't seen) and tracks her down, believing she owns the ring. The thief's horrible detective work leads him to abduct the wrong person, a woman who McGarrett happens to be dating. She's actually in witness protection and isn't even a hand model because her hand was blown off during her time in the Navy where McGarrett met her. She's actually a foot model, and has a prosthetic wooden hand. The thief, when he realizes his mistake, twists off her fake hand and holds it for ransom, and threatens to rat out the fact she's in protective custody. McGarrett figures out where the thief is staying and, during a fight, grabs the hand and beats the thief with it, later returning the now-bent hand to his girl friend. The thief is murdered in prison by inmates who despise him. The show continues in Part II. (Thanks to Hermano of C/H/Q)

C.O.D. Honolulu -- Part II: The Big Koa-Huna ★★★★

McGarrett didn't realize that his girl friend's artificial hand was made out of koa wood which carries an ancient curse for anyone who defiles it. Since McGarrett defiled it when he used it to beat the thief, he is now cursed and has to go see a kahuna. The kahuna demands the hand be thrown into a volcano to lift the hex on McGarrett. His girl friend agrees that he should do this, but feeling guilty about the loss of her appendage, McGarrett has the Navy fashion her a new state-of-the-art hand. However, the hand's circuit board is hacked by Wo Fat, who programs it to murder a Chinese defector living in Honolulu. The model can't control her hand, and it forces her to find the guy and attempt to kill him. Five-O uses their signal detector and the beeping light in the car to track her and the hand down and they save the day. They trace the signal back to Wo and capture him. Seeking revenge, the model's hand tries to choke Wo, but McGarrett talks to the hand and gives a 5-minute speech. The hand releases its grip on Wo's throat. Jonathan Kaye at the end tells McGarrett that he can't arrest Wo Fat because then Five-O (the show) would end forever. Kaye is played in alternating shots by Joseph Sirola, James Gregory, Lyle Bettger, Tim O’Connor, Robert Dixon, and Bill Edwards. (Thanks to Hermano of C/H/Q)


Dear Enema ★★★

McGarrett and Danno investigate unscrupulous practices at a colonic therapy clinic. Guest star is Orson Welles as Dr. Colin Procto. At one point, McGarrett refers to Procto as "the perpetrator of heinous crimes," misprounouncing the word so the "h" is silent!!


Deadly Dumbbells ★★˝

Cathy Lee Crosby plays a fitness instructor who's concerned about a rash of deaths of jock types getting crushed under dumbbells at the women's-only gym she owns. She strikes up a romance with Duke, who's assigned to protect her, after he regales her with stories about his high school and college football career. He becomes suspicious of one of the gym members, a truck-driving woman named Sue who secretly pines for Crosby's character. Duke is unaware that Sue wants to kill him out of jealousy. However, Sue is not the dumbbell killer, it turns out to be a 120-lb. gym client named Dannielle who's hooked on steroids and suffers from 'roid rage. Sue saves Duke from Dannielle, hoping that Crosby will reciprocate with strong feelings, and when she doesn't, Sue finally turns her anger on Duke and tries to kill him with a dumbbell, making it look like Dannielle did it. McGarrett flies in on a chopper with a machine gun (his second appearance in the entire episode) and shoots up the gym along with both Sue and Dannielle, ŕ la the episode "Dumbbell Exposure." (Thanks to Hermano of C/H/Q)


F.O. Honolulu ★★★

McGarrett is fed up. Someone broke into his office and stole his guitar. Then someone took all of the health food from the refrigerator at his place. To make things worse, someone took the "no smoking" sign from inside his car. And then his girl friend, the first woman who he has ever dated for over six months who didn't get killed, dumped him. He has had enough of Hawaii, which has turned into a cesspool of crime, even more than before. He goes and tells the Governor he is quitting. The Governor tries to convince him to stay, but McGarrett leaves in a huff as the Governor says "You hotheaded Irish!" But McGarrett leaving town for the mainland is just a ruse. A couple of months later, he sneaks back in disguise as a pimp named Nick LeVit, complete with a costume like he wore in "V" for Vashon: the Patriarch. He wants to bust Honolulu's prostitution kingpin Ramrod Dynamite, who has begun executing his rivals. Instead of wearing a moustache which makes him look like John Beck, McGarrett has undergone special skin treatment similar to that employed by white journalist John Howard Griffin who wrote the book "Black Like Me." McGarrett goes to a strip club where the bouncer, Thuggy Bare, immediately sees through his "disguise." Despite this, McGarrett manages to bust Dynamite, as well as track down which hooker is responsible for a nasty outbreak of chlamydia on the island, which resulted in Danno's nose falling off. (Story by Hermano of C/H/Q; Teleplay by MQ)


Free Ladies On Wednesday ★★★★★

There is a price war among escort services in Honolulu because business is so bad. Marie Windsor who played Gloria, the boss of one of these outfits in S04E03, returns. She makes her girls available for nothing on Wednesdays other than tips. (There is a bad pun here somewhere which we won't get into.) McGarrett gives her a stern lecture, saying "prostitution is still illegal even if you are not charging for it." He overlooks the "charges" when Gloria provides him and the entire Five-O team with some "services." Even Jenny and the receptionist staff benefit, thanks to some "hunky studs."


Hair Today ... Gone Tonight

This show gives fuel to the controversy over whether Jack Lord wore a hairpiece. According to a source connected with the show that I cannot reveal, Lord did wear a hairpiece, and it got lost. As a result, the Five-O writers quickly came up with this episode where McGarrett's barber (played by Robert Witthans) notices that his customer's hair is thinning very badly. Investigation by Doc and Che Fong reveals that McGarrett's food has been contaminated with plutonium which is causing the hair loss. Five-O under the direction of McGarrett (who shows no sign of losing his stamina despite the radioactivity) manages to determine that Honore Vashon, operating from his prison cell, is the mastermind behind this insidious plot. In a manner as absurd as the way plutonium is dealt with in #132, Anybody Can Build a Bomb, McGarrett recovers from this threat to his life as if he was getting over a bad cold!


The $100,000 Nipple ˝

A woman takes a doctor hostage in his downtown Honolulu office after her lawsuit against him for botched plastic surgery on her breasts is thrown out of court. The writing in this episode is pretty awful. McGarrett is out of town investigating a consortium of bogus aloha shirt makers in Taiwan. During one phone conversation to Danno, who is in charge of the investigation, Steve blurts out, "Danno, don't be such a boob!" (The quality of the long distance call is terrible, as usual.)


Journey Out With a Bimbo ★★★

In this relatively light-hearted episode, Danno is a judge at a beauty contest. Only near the end of the contest does he realize that one of the contestants (the one he is favoring) was an old girl friend of his. In flashback scenes, Danno is seen years before with his former love as she escorts a group of blind children to a revival screening of "Birth of a Nation" at the Oahu Theatre as part of her community service.


Mumble of a Dirty Rat ★★˝

Johnny Kling (Rich Little) is released from the Oahu Psychiatric Hospital (see #203, The Bells Toll at Noon), only to steal a gun and break into the Five-O offices. There he threatens McGarrett while doing lame imitations of James Cagney and Elvis Presley. As Elvis, he threatens to "belt" McGarrett.


Mrs. Moroney, You're Full of Baloney ★★

In S03E22, Marty, the brother of the guy who Danno shot and killed in the first season, returned to take vengeance, but, confusingly, his brother's name was changed from Thad to Joey and their last names changed from Vaughn to Collins. Using the same kind of logic, Marty, who was supposedly killed with a head shot in the season three show, did not die! He recovered, went to jail and acted like a model prisoner (again) and was released on parole (again). He tracks down Mrs. Moroney, the old lady who gave him a lot of mouth during the hostage taking. She nags him even more in this show, and he instead realizes he was wrong and decides to become a social worker.


Nine Drag Queens ★★★

A group of Chinese transvestites working for Wo Fat in Hong Kong tortures McGarrett by playing triads on an out-of-tune piano.


No Board, She Hung Herself ★★˝

Wanda Wiggleston commits suicide after discovering that her surfboard is stolen, only two days prior to a surfing competition at which she was expected to take major honors. Of course, McGarrett doesn't believe for a moment that she killed herself. After the usual detailed investigation, the killer is revealed to be a Pakistani holy man who has been running a cult-like organization in Hawaii for the last several years, and who lived just down the street from Wanda. McGarrett determines that Wanda was one of the cult's recent members. Aside from inconsistencies with his alibi around the time of the murder, the clincher clue is fragments of a Kashmir sweater owned by the holy man which were found under Wanda's fingernails.


No Bottles ... No Cans ... No People ... No Shit! ★★★

An entrepreneurial guy starts selling boxes designed to hold animal waste like dog poop and kitty litter. These boxes are, naturally, brown in color, but they are made out of plastic and look like the blue boxes used for recycling. Confused people think these boxes are authorized by the Oahu Recycling Facility, so they put them out with the other material every week and some of the recycling truck drivers, also confused, dump the contents into the trucks. Oliver Opala, the boss of the garbage collection company, becomes unhinged and starts murdering people who use the brown boxes, stuffing their bodies/body parts in them for disposal. (Thanks to Hermano of C/H/Q)


No to Low Fat ˝ STAR

In this now-suppressed episode, McGarrett, despondent over the death of his girlfriend Cathi Ryan (see #204, Man in a Steel Frame) abandons his usual health food diet of dates, figs, wheat germ and yogurt, and attempts to commit suicide by overeating. Chin Ho and Danno tail McGarrett (as usual, much too closely) as the Five-O boss goes on a binge at ice cream stands along Waikiki Beach and then creates a scene at the Tahitian Lanai luau, where he eats an entire roast pig. The sequence where McGarrett eats a pound of lard is disgusting. There is a rumour that someone "tried this at home" and killed themselves, perhaps one of the reasons the episode is no longer seen.


Number One With A Ballet ★★★

Kurt Russell stars as Vladimir Mudack, manager of the Royal Moscow Ballet, which is giving several performances in Honolulu. Mudack wants to defect to America, but after trying unsuccessfully to negotiate with the U.S. State Department and being constantly harassed by the KGB cops that are accompanying him everywhere, he knocks out a guard (Robert Luck) at the Aloha Tower where the ballet troupe is sightseeing. Mudack takes the guard's gun and escapes to the top of the tower, where he starts to fire indiscriminately at people on the ground below. McGarrett has his hands full when a rookie cop (Richard Yniguez) thinks he can deal with the situation better than Five-O. There are reports that Bishop Desmond Tutu, who was attending a conference in Hawaii when this show was filmed, can be seen in one of the crowd scenes.


Over Fifty? Squeal! ★★★

McGarrett and Kimo are lost in the jungles of Oahu, where they have been pursuing some fugitive bank robbers. Suddenly, two burly guys with very bad teeth appear out of nowhere -- they are Hawaiian hillbillies. One of the hayseeds says to McGarrett, "You've got a purty mouth." McGarrett looks nervous. Kimo decides to turn against McGarrett and join the hillbillies in their evil deeds. When McGarrett later questions why he helped the hillbillies, Kimo claims he was “going behind McGarrett's back” to infiltrate their organization, to the point he helped them assault McGarrett (this scene is very offensive). McGarrett’s pretty upset, but the governor later tells him he can’t fire Chemo ... er ... Kimo for fear of offending the local hillbilly community. The music score by Don Ray contains a lot of banjo music. (With help from Hermano of C/H/Q)


Ram of the Sign ★★

Jessica Humboldt (Jayne Meadows), the "stargazer" from the twelfth season episode Sign of the Ram, is disgraced because all of her astrological predictions are flops. Joe Moore, who underwent an extensive physical fitness training regimen to beef himself up as a fighter, returns as Pete Shore. When Pete denounces Jessica as a fraud, she tries to commit suicide by ramming her car into a signpost on a road which looks like a freeway under construction. While the car bursts into flame, Jessica does not die, but is horribly burned. When she gets out of the hospital months later, totally unrecognizable, she assumes a new identity and then goes on a murderous spree against everyone who did her wrong in her life. Shore is number one (with a you-know-what) on her list. (With help from Hermano of C/H/Q)


The Singapore Fling ★★★★

McGarrett and Nicole Wylie (Marj Dusay) return to Singapore to celebrate the anniversary of McGarrett rescuing her in S02E09. The two are seen "doing it like monkeys" in a fancy hotel, as far as network TV in the early 1980s will allow. However, McGarrett has to contend with Ronnie Revasco, the son of the man Nicole testified against in the earlier episode. He is played by Mr. T, because he is the only actor whose hairstyle was considered wacky enough to resemble that of the character playing his father. Pursued by Ronnie, McGarrett and Nicole make their way back to Honolulu, fleeing through Thailand where there is a confrontation at a shrine again played by the Byodo-In Temple on Oahu. Stuntman Beau Van Den Ecker plays 5 different characters during the shoot-out; all of them are killed in spectacular fashion.


S.O.B. Honolulu ★★★

After nine years, Soviet military bigshot Mischa Toptegan is still furious. During his last visit to Hawaii (see #88 & #89, The Ninety-Second War), McGarrett brought him tea in a cup rather than a glass during a farewell party. Toptegan orders a strike with a special limited-power ICBM which will reduce the Iolani Palace to the "world's smallest parking lot" (the Russian phrase he uses is difficult to translate). This upsets Wo Fat who is on the loose, because Wo wants to have the pleasure of eliminating McGarrett himself. (Check the rarely-seen lost 12th season finale, "Go, Fat, Go!" where Wo escapes from jail). Wo and his henchmen make plans to remove McGarrett from his office where he has been working non-stop for 3 weeks. Ghost of Chin Ho Kelly: Sir Alec Guinness.


The Sunday Brunch ★★★˝

Having totally cleared off their case load, the Five-O team have nothing to do on a Sunday, so McGarrett treats them all to a late breakfast at Otis's Restaurant, where the owner is played by Lyle Bettger. Otis has just hired a guy with serious mental issues to be the head chef, with the idea of setting this guy up as a patsy because the restaurant is going to be inspected soon after rumours their food caused an outbreak of botulism. Otis sets his own kitchen on fire with cooking oil, but the chef knocks over a shelf, trapping Otis underneath. After Otis manages to get free, he struggles to the door between the kitchen and the dining room and emerges, totally on fire, as the Five-O crew look at him, horrified.


Ten Thousand Condoms and a Harp ★★★

Alexander Zherebets, first violinist of the Hawaii Philharmonic Orchestra based on the Big Island, is trying to impregnate every female in various local musical ensembles so he can eventually form a family orchestra. However, when the woman who plays the harp in the HPO, Lorelei Fleurdelyre, gets fed up with his constant attentions and threatens to spill the beans to Five-O, he has her knocked off instead of knocked up. The script is full of horrible puns. When Zherebets is grilled by McGarrett and Danno, he says that Fleurdelyre was "plucky" and "stringing him along." (With help from Hermano of C/H/Q)


3000 Dead Cows That Make a Poo ★★★★

Erich Stoss (Theodore Bikel), "The Beast," has escaped from prison and kidnapped Alex Kline (Ed Flanders), who only passed out at the end of S02E24. Stoss seeks to use Kline to destroy Hawaii by genetically engineering cows to release deadly methane gas in the air that will kill everyone, unless a huge ransom is paid. McGarrett realizes the only way to counteract this sinister plan is to kill every cow in Hawaii. The ASPCA is not cool with this idea, but McGarrett assures them none of the meat will go to waste, so everyone on the islands is forced to eat hamburgers and steak for a month and get colonoscopies afterwards. At the climax of the show, Kline traps Stoss in a barn with the last batch of the farting cows, and "The Beast" succumbs to the toxic methane fumes. Wanda Russell (Loretta Swit) who has been pining for Kline for years, shows up, and she succumbs too. Feeling remorse, Klein turns himself in to Five-O, who let him off the hook for Wanda's death by getting him to agree to engineer new cows whose regular, normal methane will smell like plumeria. (Thanks to Hermano of C/H/Q)


Time and Mammaries ★★★★★

McGarrett suspects that mob boss Tony Alika (Ross Martin), recently released from jail on a technicality, is importing contaminated silicone used for breast implants by Honolulu plastic surgeons. Danno is sent out to investigate topless dancers on Hotel Street. Mitzi: Carol Doda.


Use a Grenade, What the Heck ★★★

Danny is targeting everyone in his police academy graduating class for death by grenade. Turns out it’s not really Danny doing it, but the Danno impersonator from "Welcome to our Branch Office," who went crazy while in the penitentiary, and is now out on parole. As part of the preparation for his role as the faux-Danno, he studied Danno's back story, including who was in the class. As before, both versions of Danno are played by James MacArthur. McGarrett ends up using the villains who hypnotized (the real) Danno in season eleven's "Deadly Courier," getting them temporarily out of prison to convince the Danno impersonator into thinking he’s a chicken (Little Chicken) in order to get him to give himself up and return to jail. (Thanks to Hermano of C/H/Q)


"V" for Fashion: The Mother ★★★

Since her husband Honore Vashon has been locked up for several years, his wife, Margurite, has struggled to stay afloat, especially after the expensive legal fees she had to shell out for her husband's defense and subsequent appeals. In order to make money, Margurite has achieved a certain notoriety and respectability as a Waikiki fashion boutique owner, mixing with the wives of some of Honolulu's business and corporate elite. When one of her husband's old enemies sends death threats against her, the former crime boss's wife turns to the Governor for help. The Governor orders McGarrett to personally provide protection for Margurite, even though the Five-O boss finds anything to do with the family who made his life a living hell repugnant. While McGarrett is at Margurite's trendy store twiddling his thumbs one day, Margurite asks him to act as a human mannequin for one of her new creations. McGarrett finds this highly objectionable, but relents when Margurite picks up the phone and threatens to call the Governor. At the exact moment McGarrett is trying on an outfit which makes the fruity Bea Arthur-like getup in the third of the Vashon trilogy look pretty tame by comparison, both Doc Bergman and Manicote happen to be walking by the shop and see the top cop through the window. They both burst into uncontrollable laughter.


We Hang Our Own Drapes ★★

Leslie Nielsen stars as "Colonella" Farraday, a cross-dressing interior decorator who is miffed when (s)he doesn't get the contract to redo the Hawaii Five-O office. (S)he decides to "take the law into her own hands," tying up the entire Five-O team with drapery cord.


The Year Of The Hoarse ★★★

McGarrett loses his voice from screaming at Kimo Carew, who he considers to be totally incompetent. Doc Bergman tells McGarrett that he has to take at least a year off work, but of course, the Five-O chief cannot sit still. In one of those touches suggesting that Five-O was ahead of its time in featuring people with handicaps (see "The Reunion," "Beautiful Screamer," and "The Odd Lot Caper"), McGarrett takes lessons in sign language, but when he tries to communicate with Kimo and Lori this way, they look at him dumbfounded.


But wait ... there are MORE season 13 episodes! See Mark and Julie's site via archive.org.