Hawaii Five-O (1968-80) -- Season 13 Episode Reviews☺


Copyright ©1994-2017 by Mike Quigley. No reproduction of any kind without permission.


CLASSIC FIVE-O (1968-1980):
| Pilot Movie (Episode "0") | 1st Season (Episodes 1-23) | 2nd Season (Episodes 24-48) | 3rd Season (Episodes 49-72) | 4th Season (Episodes 73-96) | 5th Season (Episodes 97-120) | 6th Season (Episodes 121-144) | 7th Season (Episodes 145-168) | 8th Season (Episodes 169-191) | 9th Season (Episodes 192-214) | 10th Season (Episodes 215-238) | 11th Season (Episodes 239-259) | 12th Season (Episodes 260-278)

NEW FIVE-0 (2010-?):
| 1st Season | 2nd Season | 3rd Season | 4th Season | 5th Season | 6th Season | 7th Season | 8th Season | 9th Season | "Next" Season |


★★★★★ = A truly outstanding episode.
★★★★ = One of the very best episodes, a must-see.
★★★ = Better than average, worthy of attention.
★★ = Average, perhaps with a few moments of interest.
= One of the very worst, a show to avoid.
Boner of Contention ★★★★★

The governor asks McGarrett to investigate the island porno industry to determine if footage in certain videos was faked. Watch carefully for the closeups on the governor's video collection which reveal "Property of Paul Jameson" stamped into the leather binding. Five-O Receptionist: Annette Haven. Chief of Police: John Holmes. Sea Life Park Attendant: Seka.

The Burning Lice ★★★

McGarrett's old girl friend/now journalist Margo Cooper (Carol Lawrence) returns to Honolulu, ostensibly to do a feature article on him for a major magazine, but the two of them pick up their romance from where they left off in season five's "Thanks for the Honeymoon." Goopy music by John Cacavas is heard as the two of them are seen in bed together (pretty shocking for the time this show was originally aired). However, the whole scene has a certain "virginal" air about it, as McGarrett still can't seem to make his mind up about whether he wants to commit himself to Margo. After Margo returns to the mainland, McGarrett seems very antsy when ordering the Five-O team around, much more than usual. Feeling he is under severe stress, he visits Doc Bergman who gives him a thorough checkup. Bergman tells McGarrett "You are suffering from an infestation of phylum Arthropoda, class Insecta, order Phthiraptera, suborder Anoplura, family Pthiridae, genus Pthirus, species Pthirus pubis." Exasperated, McGarrett tells the doctor, "English, Doc, English!" Bergman replies: "McGarrett, you've got the crabs."

Dear Enema ★★˝

McGarrett and Danno investigate unscrupulous practices at a colonic therapy clinic. Guest star is Orson Welles as Dr. Colin Procto. At one point, McGarrett refers to Procto as "the perpetrator of heinous crimes," misprounouncing the word so the "h" is silent!!

Hair Today ... Gone Tonight

This show gives fuel to the controversy over whether Jack Lord wore a hairpiece. According to a source connected with the show that I cannot reveal, Lord did wear a hairpiece, and it got lost. As a result, the Five-O writers quickly came up with this episode where McGarrett's barber (played by Robert Witthans) notices that his customer's hair is thinning very badly. Investigation by Doc and Che Fong reveals that McGarrett's food has been contaminated with plutonium which is causing the hair loss. Five-O under the direction of McGarrett (who shows no sign of losing his stamina despite the radioactivity) manages to determine that Honore Vashon, operating from his prison cell, is the mastermind behind this insidious plot. In a manner as absurd as the way plutonium is dealt with in #132, Anybody Can Build a Bomb, McGarrett recovers from this threat to his life as if he was getting over a bad cold!

Journey Out With a Bimbo ★★★

In this relatively light-hearted episode, Danno is a judge at a beauty contest. Only near the end of the contest does he realize that one of the contestants (the one he is favoring) was an old girl friend of his. In flashback scenes, Danno is seen years before with his former love as she escorts a group of blind children to a revival screening of "Birth of a Nation" at the Oahu Theatre as part of her community service.

Model of a Dirty Rat ★★˝

Johnny Kling (Rich Little) is released from the Oahu Psychiatric Hospital (see #203, The Bells Toll at Noon), only to steal a gun and break into the Five-O offices. There he threatens McGarrett while doing lame imitations of James Cagney and Elvis Presley. As Elvis, he threatens to "belt" McGarrett.

No Board, She Hung Herself ★★˝

Wanda Wiggleston commits suicide after discovering that her surfboard is stolen, only two days prior to a surfing competition at which she was expected to take major honors. Of course, McGarrett doesn't believe for a moment that she killed herself. After the usual detailed investigation, the killer is revealed to be a Pakistani holy man who has been running a cult-like organization in Hawaii for the last several years, and who lived just down the street from Wanda. McGarrett determines that Wanda was one of the cult's recent members. Aside from inconsistencies with his alibi around the time of the murder, the clincher clue is fragments of a Kashmir sweater owned by the holy man which were found under Wanda's fingernails.

No to Low Fat ˝ STAR

In this now-suppressed episode, McGarrett, despondent over the death of his girlfriend Cathi Ryan (see #204, Man in a Steel Frame) abandons his usual health food diet of dates, figs, wheat germ and yogurt, and attempts to commit suicide by overeating. Chin Ho and Danno tail McGarrett (as usual, much too closely) as the Five-O boss goes on a binge at ice cream stands along Waikiki Beach and then creates a scene at the Tahitian Lanai luau, where he eats an entire roast pig. The sequence where McGarrett eats a pound of lard is disgusting. There is a rumour that someone "tried this at home" and killed themselves, perhaps one of the reasons the episode is no longer seen.

Number One With A Ballet ★★★

Kurt Russell stars as Vladimir Mudack, manager of the Royal Moscow Ballet, which is giving several performances in Honolulu. Mudack wants to defect to America, but after trying unsuccessfully to negotiate with the U.S. State Department and being constantly harassed by the KGB cops that are accompanying him everywhere, he knocks out a guard (Robert Luck) at the Aloha Tower where the ballet troupe is sightseeing. Mudack takes the guard's gun and escapes to the top of the tower, where he starts to fire indiscriminately at people on the ground below. McGarrett has his hands full when a rookie cop (Richard Yniguez) thinks he can deal with the situation better than Five-O. There are reports that Bishop Desmond Tutu, who was attending a conference in Hawaii when this show was filmed, can be seen in one of the crowd scenes.

Ram of the Sign ★★

Jessica Humboldt (Jayne Meadows), the "stargazer" from the twelfth season episode Sign of the Ram, is disgraced because all of her astrological predictions are flops. Joe Moore, who underwent an extensive physical fitness training regimen to beef himself up as a fighter, returns as Pete Shore. When Pete denounces Jessica as a fraud, she tries to commit suicide by ramming her car into a signpost on a road which looks like a freeway under construction. While the car bursts into flame, Jessica does not die, but is horribly burned. When she gets out of the hospital months later, totally unrecognizable, she assumes a new identity and then goes on a murderous spree against everyone who did her wrong in her life. Shore is number one (with a you-know-what) on her list. (With help from Hermano of C/H/Q)

S.O.B. Honolulu ★★★

After nine years, Soviet military bigshot Mischa Toptegan is still furious. During his last visit to Hawaii (see #88 & #89, The Ninety-Second War), McGarrett brought him tea in a cup rather than a glass during a farewell party. Toptegan orders a strike with a special limited-power ICBM which will reduce the Iolani Palace to the "world's smallest parking lot" (the Russian phrase he uses is difficult to translate). This upsets Wo Fat who is on the loose, because Wo wants to have the pleasure of eliminating McGarrett himself. (Check the rarely-seen lost 12th season finale, "Go, Fat, Go!" where Wo escapes from jail). Wo and his henchmen make plans to remove McGarrett from his office where he has been working non-stop for 3 weeks. Ghost of Chin Ho Kelly: Sir Alec Guinness.

The $100,000 Nipple ˝

A woman takes a doctor hostage in his downtown Honolulu office after her lawsuit against him for botched plastic surgery on her breasts is thrown out of court. The writing in this episode is pretty awful. McGarrett is out of town investigating a consortium of bogus aloha shirt makers in Taiwan. During one phone conversation to Danno, who is in charge of the investigation, Steve blurts out, "Danno, don't be such a boob!" (The quality of the long distance call is terrible, as usual.)

Time and Mammaries ★★★★★

McGarrett suspects that mob boss Tony Alika (Ross Martin), recently released from prison on a technicality, is importing contaminated silicone used for transplants by Honolulu plastic surgeons. Danno is sent out to investigate topless dancers on Hotel Street. Mitzi: Carol Doda.

"V" for Fashion: The Mother ★★★

Since her husband Honore Vashon has been in jail for several years, his wife, Margurite, has struggled to stay afloat, especially after the expensive legal fees she had to shell out for her husband's defense and subsequent appeals. In order to make money, Margurite has achieved a certain notoriety and respectability as a Waikiki fashion boutique owner, mixing with the wives of some of Honolulu's business and corporate elite. When one of her husband's old enemies sends death threats against her, the former crime boss's wife turns to the Governor for help. The Governor orders McGarrett to personally provide protection for Margurite, even though the Five-O boss finds anything to do with the family who made his life a living hell repugnant. While McGarrett is at Margurite's trendy store twiddling his thumbs one day, Margurite asks him to act as a human mannequin for one of her new creations. McGarrett finds this highly objectionable, but relents when Margurite picks up the phone and threatens to call the Governor. At the exact moment McGarrett is trying on an outfit which makes the fruity Bea Arthur-like getup in the third of the Vashon trilogy look pretty tame by comparison, both Doc Bergman and Manicote happen to be walking by the shop and see the top cop through the window. They both burst into uncontrollable laughter.

We Hang Our Own Drapes ★★

Leslie Nielsen stars as Carmella Farraday, a transvestite interior decorator who is miffed when (s)he doesn't get the contract to redo the Hawaii Five-O office. (S)he decides to "take the law into her own hands," tying up the entire Five-O team with drapery cord.

Ten Thousand Condoms and a Harp ★★★

Alexander Zherebets, first violinist of the Hawaii Philharmonic Orchestra based on the Big Island, is trying to impregnate every female in various local bands and musical ensembles so he can eventually form a family orchestra. However, when the woman who plays the harp in the HPO, Lorelei Fleurdelyre, gets fed up with his constant attentions and threatens to spill the beans to Five-O, he has her knocked off instead of knocked up. The script is full of horrible puns. When Zherebets is grilled by McGarrett and Danno, he says that Fleurdelyre was "plucky" and "stringing him along." (With help from Hermano of C/H/Q)

A Chicken’s Work is With a Gun ★★˝

The show opens with Thad Vaughan smoking weed with Danno near the beach. Danno is temporarily distracted for a few minutes, then he sees Thad trying to jimmy open a car and tells him to cool it. Thad tells him that cops suck. Danno then socks Thad. Thad pulls out a gun and starts blasting at Danno, though he misses every time. Danno pulls out his gun and gives chase after Thad. Thad makes it back to his fleabag hotel where he runs into his room and locks the door. He goes to the fridge to get himself a beer. He opens the fridge and sees Chicken hiding inside. Chicken shoots Thad and gets out of the fridge. Danno breaks down the door and sees a wounded Thad and an open fridge. He wonders what this could mean. Chicken clocks Danno over the head. Chicken drives up to the Iolani Palace and kills McGarrett. The Governor declares the island to be quarantined. Huge birds start pooping all over the island. People panic. Bananas turn a funky pink color and the ocean becomes yellow. Just then Danno wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. (Thanks to Ringfire)

But wait ... there are MORE season 13 episodes! See Mark and Julie's site.