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The next season opener stars James MacArthur, filmed before the former "Danno" passed away in late 2010. He puts in a guest appearance as Dan Williams' Uncle Carl in a neat homage to the original show "Retire in Sunny Hawaii -- Forever" where MacArthur's mother Helen Hayes played Aunt Clara. Shortly after arriving in Honolulu from the Mainland where he retired, the elderly Carl takes Danno and his daughter Grace to breakfast at the Honolulu House of Pancakes. There they have one of Danno's favorite meals, "pigs in a blanket." Note the beautiful streamers hanging from the ceiling in the restaurant for King Kamehameha Day, a nice bit of local colour. Carl, who was formerly an HPD cop, has "heard things" about Danno's relationship with his new boss. He gives Danno a stern lecture, saying "Things weren't like that when I was on the force. We respected our superiors." Harsh words get exchanged, culminating with Danno telling his uncle, "Why are you giving me 'Alzheimer's face'?" Carl tells Danno sadly, "I spend my days praying, loving, and trying to remember ... anything at all." Danno leaves the restaurant with Grace before the food has arrived, leaving Carl looking morose and muttering "I hope they paint daisies on my coffin." Back in his hotel room, Carl realizes the reason for Danno's behavior is because Danno's ex-wife Rachel remarried, resulting in custody issues over Grace which brought Danno to Honolulu from New Jersey. Becoming more enraged, Carl phones Rachel and tells her that he wants to talk to her with her new husband. When they arrive at the hotel, Carl takes the two of them hostage, saying he's going to blow them up with a remote control bomb. Hotel security is alerted, and Danno and Steve arrive shortly after to defuse the situation (no pun intended). Mary Beth Rogers (Sharon Farrell) rushes in (using a walker), knocks Carl over and grabs the remote, screaming "We're gonna die!!!" Carl forgot to put batteries in it, though, and she gets hauled away. Having a total meltdown, Carl takes the couple to the roof of the hotel, yelling he will be "here today ... gone tonight." McGarrett finally tackles Carl and dangles him over the side of the building until he cries ... "uncle." As he is taken to the Oahu Psychiatric Hospital for evaluation in an American Medical Response ambulance, he yells, "Someday we will be strangers in our own rest home." Charles Durning (almost 90 years old!), who appeared in the earlier show, has a cameo. (Hermano/Quincy)
This is a spectacular two-hour story which harkens back to some of the multi-part episodes of the original Five-O.
At the beginning, the Five-0 team is seen hanging out on their yacht, drinking beer and frolicking in the Official Five-0 Shark Cage® used as a torture chamber in the first season's third episode. Suddenly a ship full of pirates appears. This group, which goes under the name of Pirates Attack Group (PAG) and whose leader is named "Navy," makes illegal bootlegs of movies and TV shows to sell around the world (thus they are actually "pirate pirates"). Their motto is "We are one. We are now. We arrrrrrr."
The pirates quickly overpower Five-0, especially since the foursome are totally inebriated. The pirates commence a series of sinister tortures. For McGarrett, they force him to read books about method acting and classical Shakespearean training; for Danno, they force him to watch McGarrett reading books about method acting and classical Shakespearean training; for Kono, they force her to wear a full layer of clothing; and for Chin Ho, they put him in a room filled with black smoke.
The pirates are eventually contacted by the new Governor Philippa Grey, alerted by McGarrett's girl friend Catherine, who uses the resources of the entire U.S. Navy to track McGarrett down. The pirates, nasty guys that they are, refuse to negotiate and instead give the Governor a copy of the Five-0 team's expense report to date that was found in McGarrett's attaché case on the yacht. So far, Five-0's adventures have cost the state approximately $10.3 billion. Speaking to him by two-way radio, the Governor confronts McGarrett about the expenses, which include the cost of renting a Navy GPS satellite, the shark cage, the yacht, a speedboat, cars, tuxes, ties for Danno, and other items including a hot air balloon, 2 F-16's, a small hydrogen bomb, 500 cases of beer, bikinis for Kono, and a space shuttle. McGarrett tells her fhe thought there were no rules, and the Governor replies, "You idiot -- like my predecessor, I'm a politician -- why did you believe us??" She pays the pirates a million dollars, adds it to the taxpayer's bill, gets them released, then immediately disbands Five-0 in disgust. (This is where part one ends.)
Part two of the show begins with the demoralized team in their new digs at the back of Kamekona's shaved ice stand. Telling the others "this has become personal for me," McGarrett sends Chin undercover to the pirate group's home base, which is in Phuket, Thailand (despite the fact the pirates have already seen Chin -- the producers really ought to check the scripts ahead of time). To disguise himself, Chin wears an eyepatch and a large earring to try and fit in, which raises the pirates' suspicions. Then he really gives himself away when he mispronounces Phuket (shades of the way Chin mangled the name of the city "La Jolla" in the original series). Chin is keelhauled, so McGarrett goes to Thailand, finds Chin, gets him medical attention, then goes undercover as a pirate himself in a sequence which lasts all of 20 seconds.
There are some disturbing scenes near the end of the show. When "Navy," the head pirate, tells McGarrett (who he also does not recognize) that "your friend Charlie Chan got what he deserves," McGarrett holds "Navy's" head in a toilet while flushing it. Then McGarrett charges "Navy" with violation of the Hawaii Anti-Discrimination Human Rights Code, despite the fact that he is not in Hawaii, but Thailand.
To make a deal with McGarrett to drop these charges, "Navy" offers McGarrett information about a shipment of illegal Back-Up Plan DVDs that another group of pirates are bringing in to Hawaii. McGarrett, for unknown reasons, wants to grab up every single copy of this movie and make sure that nobody can ever see it. After getting information from "Navy" on where to intercept the pirates, he lets Navy go. Danno, who thus far has been unusually silent, complains "You're just letting him go?" However, "Navy" gives Danno some free bootleg copies of The Ocean's 11, 12 and 13 movies, which shuts him up.
Back in Hawaii, McGarrett intercepts the Back-Up Plan pirates with his speedboat just in the nick of time as they enter the waters off Waikiki, throws the pirates in the shark pen, blows up their boat, then throws the DVDs in with them. The sharks manage to get into the cage, they eat the pirates, but refuse to eat the DVDs, as those will give them indigestion. (Hermano/Quincy)
[Because of declining ratings, CBS took the new Five-0 off the air following Powa, the pirate episode. They offered Alex O'Loughlin the lead role in a new show, and hoping "the fourth time will be the charm," he accepted it. However, O'Loughlin misunderstood one major condition of his role. Having become so intensely involved with the part of McGarrett (who would not listen to anyone for more than ten seconds), O'Loughlin thought that the lead character was going to be Australian, whereas he actually was Austrian. It didn't matter, since O'Loughlin's Austrian accent in the show is flawless. The opening line in the show for his character, Arnold Überschwein -- "Velcome to Ha-vaii" -- could have become a classic.]
West Palm Beach Nine-O stars Hume Cronyn, Andrew Duggan, Mildred Natwick and Dorothy Mackaill. All of these stars are deceased, but through the magic of CGI, their faces were transposed from the roles they played on the original series by the same team that did the projected backgrounds for the driving sequences in the new Five-0 who were thrown out of work by the show's cancellation. The foursome play a group of ex-spies known as "The Dependables" who have to reunite in Hawaii for one final mission: to stop the "son of a bitch" who outed them to a Fox TV News journalist as CIA operatives: former vice-president Dick Cheney (who plays himself). Thanks to an amazing makeup job, O'Loughlin plays Überschwein, their 85-year-old former boss, who now lives in a Hotel Street flophouse. Cheney is hiding out in Hawaii in a secret laboratory known only as "The Hatch," unaware the Dependables have journeyed there to seek revenge against him. He is building a life-like Obama robot that he can control and use to replace the real president, who will have America invading Iran unless The Dependables can stop him. The climax of the show involves The Dependables pursuing Cheney down Tantalus Mountain in wheelchairs. Cronyn's character pulls out a TV remote and starts randomly pushing buttons. This shuts off Cheney's pacemaker, and the former V-P collapses and takes his last breath, as the Dependables and Überschwein stand around him chuckling (you can hear their dentures clicking thanks to the Dolby 5.1 sound). The five of them pick Cheney up (with great difficulty) and dangle him over a cliff, then let go of him, and we hear a splat. The Obama robot is never found...
[Unfortunately, this pilot episode was a huge flop, with a dismal 0.2 adults 18-49 rating, one of the worst ratings in the history of television. Although response among elderly viewers was very positive, there was no way CBS could sell this show to advertisers. (It was felt the placement in the show for products like Depends adult diapers, Polident, MedicAlert bracelets and walk-in bathtubs did more harm than good.) CBS turned to the C/H/Q Paper Products® writing team (also thrown out of work -- it is rumoured they actually wrote the screenplay for WPB90) and told them to get Five-0 back on track.] (Hermano/Quincy)
A group called the Indigenous Hawaiian Original Peoples (IHOP) have developed a virus that is lethal to anyone who does not have at least one drop of pure Hawaiian blood in their veins. Their leader, Alapake Humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa-Lauwiliwilinukunukuʻoiʻoi, who hates all tourists and spends most of his time screaming "Hawaii for Hawaiians only," places a few drops of the virus in the Kalakaua Fountain. The group summons McGarrett to the fountain to express their grievances about the makeup of the Five-0 team, especially the fact that "Chin Ho and his cousin Kono don't look very Chinese, let alone Hawaiian." When McGarrett gets distracted and antsy because his girl friend Catherine has only a few more hours shore leave, the group is insulted, and they take him hostage, telling him "we will show you how serious we are, haole." A large group of particularly obnoxious mainlanders wander along (including several truly horrid children) and begin to play in the fountain. As the smallest (and most dreadfully ill-mannered) child actually stands under one of the jets and starts drinking the water, Alapake triumphantly explains to a horrified McGarrett what he's done to the water in the fountain.
Alapake goes on to threaten to contaminate the entire water supply for the whole island unless the Five-0 team resign en masse and allow four of the big shots from IHOP (including Alapake) to take their places. While Steve splutters and stammers something that sounds kind of like "NO DEALS!," the IHOP members watch with undisguised glee as the tourist family begins to show signs of the ill effects of the virus. In fact, the IHOP members become so excited by this that one of the five men holding Steve back lets his attention wander for a few seconds. Taking advantage of this, Steve surreptitiously rips the side-view mirror off a nearby car and uses it to bounce a signal of his own devising off one of the towers in Diamond Head Crater, knowing, of course, that this tower is aimed in precisely the exact aligmnent necessary to send the signal directly to the tip of the spear held by the Kalakaua Statue on King Street.
Since it just so happens that today is Kamehameha Day, the Governor and the rest of the Five-0 team are conveniently standing right next to the statue, watching the parade, when the signal arrives. Chin is the first one to notice and instantaneously interprets exactly what these nearly invisible flashes of light mean. Not wanting to disturb the festivities or cause a panic, he quietly alerts Danno and Kono, and the three leap into their respective vehicles and arrive at the fountain in exactly 4.3 seconds, despite the fact that they must weave in and out of the floats, marching bands, people on horseback, and ancient fire trucks participating in the parade. The crowd watching the parade thinks the speeding cars are part of the show and applaud wildly all along the way. Some even begin to chant the theme song for the show.
In the meantime, Steve recklessly rushes into the fountain to try to rescue the tourists, thus heroically exposing himself to the deadly pathogen. When the team arrives, they too leap into the water to help, knowing without being told that it will mean they'll be infected too. Alapake is so excited by it all that he's now dancing around the fountain in some kind of fake Maori warrior dance (complete with intricate facial tattoos he has mysteriously applied while nobody was looking), sticking out his tongue and making big scary eyes, waving the vial containing more of the virus around in triumph before his followers. In his zeal, he accidentally splashes a goodly portion of the liquid up his own nose. He ignores this and continues to stomp and roar his way around the perimeter of the fountain. Within seconds, however, he too begins to fall ill, thus exposing himself as a fake to the rest of IHOP, who immediately abandon him and his entire scheme in utter disgust. They quickly evaporate into the nearby Elks Club to enjoy Happy Hour.
Back at the fountain, the tourist group are staggering around, clutching their bellies, moaning, groaning, puking on everything and everybody, and bumping aimlessly into each other. The team now has mere seconds to make it to Queen's Medical Center, the only place on the island which has the antidote. But they'll never make it in time, because they will have to drive all the way around Kapiolani Park and the Zoo, then hop onto Ala Wai to McCully, take a left at King and speed over to Punchbowl, all of which will take too long.
It's at this moment that McGarrett remembers a little-known local tradition. He explains rather pompously, that on the third Thursday of every fourth month with a waning moon, anyone who has a name that ends with an "O" gets to drive the wrong way down Kalakaua Avenue between 11:00 and noon. Of course, the clock on the Aloha Tower distinctly visible right behind his head clearly shows that it's only 10:30, but who cares? Being able to use this route to get to Queen's will allow them make it in plenty of time. Steve is certain he can convince the Governor to give them some kind of Special Hawaiian Ignore Time License, just this once. They'll need all their vehicles to transport all the tourists, though. Steve quickly declares that Danny can only go if he allows himself to be called "Danno" on a permanent basis. After telling Steve that he will hate him for the rest of their natural lives (clearly a reverse psychology moment, of course, because his eyes tell the TV viewers that he is actually declaring his undying love for Steve when he says this), Danno agrees and runs toward his car, ready to speed off to Queen's.
Alapake begins to make for Kono's car but is stopped by Steve, who delivers a rather lengthy lecture to the fake Hawaiian IHOP leader about what it takes to be a real leader and how wrong it is to be dishonest in any way, shape, or form. In the midst of this diatribe, Chin realizes that none of the team has fallen ill; therefore, all of them, even Danny, must have at least one drop of Hawaiian blood in their veins. With a snide "Aloha, sucker!" Steve turns his back on Alapake as the team prepares to leave Alapake to his fate and Steve to presumably walk all the way back to the office by himself.
We see Chin and Kono speed away in their cars overloaded with sick, fat tourists, while Danno none-too-gently squashes the last one into the back seat of his car. As Danno prepares to climb into the driver's seat, he throws one last longing glance back at poor Steve, clearly exhausted by his ordeal, but bravely trudging away in the opposite direction, waving weakly and all but blowing kisses toward his departing team. At the last second, Danno calls out, "C'mon, Steve-O! There's room for one more if you promise to call me 'Danno' only when we're off duty!"
Flashing his partner a wicked grin, Steve dashes uncaringly past the now-apparently-dead Alapake. As we hear Danno's tires squeal against the sand, we see one of Alapake's fingers scribbling vaguely sinister (but apparently utterly meaningless) stick figures into the sand. A translation begins to scroll across the bottom of the screen -- "You may think you've seen the last of me, McGarrett, but you haven't, because I've transformed myself before and I will do it again. Nothing can stop me, you big meanie! I'm a better faker than you'll ever be! I've have forgotten more about Hawaii and being Hawaiian than you'll ever know, you moron! You better watch your back, big boy, because I'll be ...."
A huge wave abruptly washes over Alapake, completely obliterating him and his stick figures, as the screen fades to black and the end credits begin to roll. (Curry)
In a flashback to 1974, Robbo Hobbs, the brother of the opal courier played by the late Don Knight in the original series' "Flash of Color, Flash of Death," comes to the islands looking for revenge for his brother's fate at the hands of McGarrett, et al. Bizzarely, the plane on which he is traveling from Sydney to Honolulu suffers an engine failure and crash lands in two pieces in a remote jungle on the North Shore of Oahu. The Aussie crook's brother is the only survivor. He wanders out of the jungle and makes his way to Honolulu, where he then discovers that McGarrett has not aged, and it's now 2010. Not only that, the two men bear an uncanny resemblance to one another. This is due to the fact that Alex O'Loughlin plays both parts, similar to the way Richard Denning appeared as treasury agent Philip Grey in Twenty-Four Karat Kill because (as the rumour has it) another actor suddenly cancelled at the last minute. The major problem with this dual role is that O'Loughlin has been doing McGarrett for so long and so intensely, his Aussie accent is shaky. The scene where McGarrett waterboards Hobbs is interesting for its creative use of CGI. E. Lynne Kimoto, who appeared in the original show, is the Five-0 receptionist. She still looks hot! (Curry/Quincy)
Richard Hatch and Meg Foster return to their classic Five-0 roles as The Child Stealers. Now they are in the business of kidnapping dogs from their owners and selling them to couples who don't want to go through the proper channels of dog ownership because it's too complicated.
The Governor contacts Five-0 and mentions that her rich friends' dog disappeared and the dog's GPS collar turned up on a homeless man in L.A. She asks Five-0 to help solve this mystery and recover the missing dog.
Kono volunteers to use her new dog from "Nalowale", whom she has named Kimo Carew, in an undercover sting. She embeds a tiny transmitter in the dog's ear so she can communicate with him as well as track him, telling him via the earpiece what to do next. (We learn that Kono learned to speak K-9 in the special K-9 unit at the police academy.) She turns Kimo loose on a beach in Waikiki, where he's promptly targeted by a Shih Tzu named Truck. Via subtitles, Truck convinces Kimo to follow him to a mysterious cargo container in the waterfront district, where Hatch and Foster slip Kimo a rufie in a bowl of water and fly him to L.A., where they take him to an illegal dog adoption agency.
Meanwhile, McGarrett orders Kono to pick up the little Shih Tzu Truck and bring him to Five-0 headquarters, where McGarrett takes him to the roof and dangles him off the side, demanding to know where they took Kimo. Danno sits nearby and drinks beer, he doesn't care anymore about what McGarrett does. When this doesn't work, McGarrett takes Truck to the basement and blasts an airhorn in the dog's ear. This doesn't work either and now the dog is deaf so he can't hear anything McGarrett asks him.
Kono mentions to McGarrett that this is unnecessary because she has a transmitter on Kimo. McGarrett looks at her, says "Oh", and orders Danno to book Truck when Gloria Allred walks in and takes the Shih Tzu as a client.
Meanwhile, Kono hears lots of painful howling over the transmitter, and Kimo (via subtitles) tells her he is being neutered by Richard Anderson, the evil owner of the dog agency in Los Angeles. Some time after this, Kono hears smacking and finds out Kimo is licking himself; then she hears sniffing and finds out Kimo is checking out another dog for clues (he won't say what part of the dog). Then she hears a rubbing-on-sandpaper sound over and over again -- Kimo reveals he is humping Anderson's leg to get a feel for what he's up to. Finally, Kimo is placed with Paris Hilton, who promptly places him in her purse.
With the transaction complete, Five-0 races to L.A. and arrests everyone, including Hilton, whose purse drops and some cocaine falls out. She mentions that her lawyer is also Gloria Allred, who arrives on the scene with the Shih Tzu Truck, her other client. Allred tells McGarrett that they have no jurisdiction in L.A., but McGarrett ignores her.
Cut to a scene of Allred and Hilton being thrown in the Five-0 shark cage by McGarrett, who has beers with Danno, Chin and Kono, and Kimo, who has a big smile on his face. (Hermano)
When prisoners at the Pilau Ulaula Women's Correctional Institute on the North Shore riot and take a guard hostage, McGarrett exchanges himself for the guard, hoping to be able to defuse the situation. Unfortunately, things only get worse. Warden Mahu (Sybil Danning) is a totally corrupt individual who enlists her guards to keep the press away from the prison, rather than have her incompetence exposed. She even has a hot tub in a room behind her office! The leader of the prisoners, "Little Chickie" (Linda Blair) orders the other convicts to tie up McGarrett with razor wire. The scene in the shower room following this where McGarrett is stripped naked is unnecessarily gratuitous (creative camera angles prevent things from being too graphic), but not as much as what happens next. Holding sharp knives, Chickie and her fellow convicts then leer suggestively at the top cop's groin area and burst into a chorus of "It Ain't No Big T'ing." (Behind-the-scenes gossip says that star Alex O'Loughlin found filming this scene very offensive.) Chin Ho is contacted by two retired Five-0 members, Lori Wilson and Kimo Carew (Sharon Farrell and William Smith respectively). This duo now have a counselling practice specializing in helping police officers who display behavioral problems. The two do-gooders show up at the prison and, in a bizarre scene where they make use of their psychotherapeutic techniques (which are heavy-laden with Marxist and Freudian overtones), they are taken hostage while McGarrett, bleeding badly, manages to escape. McGarrett brings the prisoners' demands to the Governor, with Kimo's and Lori's lives at stake, and they both look at each other with an "Awwww, who cares" shrug. Two gunshots ring out in the shower, thus providing some closure to the original series, where both Lori and Kimo disappeared before the final show. (Hermano/Quincy)
Daryl Hannah guest stars as her mermaid character from "Splash". Danno starts to date her and his daughter is thrilled because she thinks her daddy is dating a real live mermaid. This annoys Danno's ex-wife Rachel (played by Hannah's former 'Kill Bill' sparring partner Uma Thurman because Claire van der Boom was reportedly taken ill at the last moment), and the two ladies have a rematch in which Uma slices Daryl's tail off. Daryl decides that she is going to return to the ocean because humanity is too cruel, and when she dives in, she sinks (because her tail was cut off). McGarrett sees her going under the water and yells to Danno, who has a fishing pole, "Hook 'er, Danno!" But Danno respects Hannah's wishes and lets her return to the sea. We hear the melodic strains of "Under da Sea" play, as sung by Sebastian the Crab (the licensing rights for this must have been expensive), as Danno wistfully looks out over the ocean with his daughter, who asks him "Daddy, will we ever see her again?" Danno thinks for a moment, then replies: "No." Fade out ... as we hear the flapping of Danno's tie in the wind. (Hermano)
Jimmy Borges, who played numerous roles on the old show, gets his chance to guest-star as sleazy nightclub owner and pimp Cholly Bombay, also suspected of major drug and gun-running operations. In what is perceived as an attempt to counter-balance charges of sexism against the producers concerning Kono, McGarrett goes undercover -- as a woman, expecting to be hired as one of Cholly's "girls." "Cholly has a major weakness for the ladies, I think this is the way to get to him," says Steve. Kono replies, "Well, why can't I do it? I happen to have real breasts and they're kinda nice ones, too." "Forget it, Kono!" barks McGarrett. "This is too big, too dangerous. I can't ask any of you to be in such danger -- I have to do it myself."
(What follows is an actual extract from the script.)
[Int. Cholly's nightclub, at the bar. McG, calling himself 'Steph', has struck up conversation with CB.]
McG (speaking falsetto): So tell me, Cholly, just how many pies do you have those cute fingers in?
CB: Aw, don't let's talk shop, baby. That's such a boring scene, y'know?
McG: But I take such an interest in what you naughty-but-nice boys do--
CB: Pfft! Let's talk about you. [laughs] You Haole chicks sure don't take a shave often's I like, generally, but I gotta tell ya -- you really GOT something, baby!
McG: You don't know the half of it, honey.
CB: Let's discuss it further over a drink, hmmm?
Unfortunately, it all goes badly wrong, and in the end McGarrett gets saved from certain death by ... Kono. Danno and Chin are absent as they went on a wild strip poker bender the night before and are in hospital being treated for alcohol poisoning. Kono yells to HPD backup, "Book 'em!" A dejected Bombay, being escorted away, whimpers at McGarrett/Steph, "I really thought we had something, you no-good ho..." McGarrett frowns and says, "Don't forget who's running this outfit." "How could I?" says Kono. "But don't worry, ma'am, this guy will be behind bars for a LOOONG time..." (Guest Writer = Chrissie)
Click here to see a publicity still from this show.
At the beginning of the show, McGarrett is called to the Governor's office late in the afternoon. There he receives a dressing-down for his constant use of extreme methods in dealing with suspects. The Governor has been receiving a lot of heat from the American Civil Liberties Union, and with an election on the horizon, she can see where McGarrett's techniques will erode her chances at another term, especially if the press starts paying a lot of attention to the ACLU's complaints. When he leaves a couple of hours later, McGarrett returns to the Five-0 office, where the place is deserted, and his only friend there is Kono's dog Kimo. Kono herself is out with McGarrett's sister Mary at some nightclub, where they are breaking in a new singing act, calling themselves the Surfboards. Danno has gone to a movie with his daughter Grace, having no incentive to hang around the office since the Governor cut off the Five-0 beer allowance. Chin Ho is at night school, boning up on advanced computer encryption techniques. As the evening wears on, McGarrett becomes more and more depressed, and decides to talk to a priest. He goes to Saint Damien's Church which is close by, and talks to Father Seamus O'Flannery. In the tradition of the old Five-O, where recurring actors were used in different parts, often within one or two shows of their previous appearance, O'Flannery is played by Jimmy Borges, who was a drug dealer and gunrunner on the show only the week before. Like the wacky coroner Doc Bergmann who played the piano in his office to unwind, O'Flannery is a bit "odd" -- he is known as the "singing hipster priest." In fact, his side of the confession booth is huge in size, to accommodate not only him but a jazz combo. McGarrett pours out his feelings to O'Flannery, which culminates with the priest singing, "I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit ... sheeba-booba-dooba-bop-bop shoo-doo-shoo-bee-ooo-bee ..." McGarrett returns to the office, where he takes the airhorn and throws it in the garbage. (Quincy)
Danno is pursuing a suspect on some middle-of-nowhere single-lane road, when his Camaro, travelling at 140 mph, flies off a corner and into a quarry. Danno is badly injured, with both his legs broken. He is rescued by a strange, hermit-like woman (Kathy Bates) who is never named (the end credits refer to her only as "A"). Dragging him back to her shack hidden in the mountains, "A" nurses Danno, keeping him locked up in a room. She tells him that she used to be a "number one fan" of the police, but has lost respect for them because of their sloppy dress codes. She comments to him, with kind of a glazed look, "that's real nice that you are wearing a tie." "A" keeps talking about a Hawaiian boy friend who never materializes -- it is possible he is just a figment of her imagination. Although Danno's cel phone will not work because lack of power and the isolated location, he is finally able to contact McGarrett by painfully crawling out of bed and plugging his cel phone into the wall. Fortunately, the phone regains enough charge to activate its GPS. The finale of the show is notable for a terrific fight between "A" and Kono, with both of them falling into a pond. (Quincy)
Rosemary Catharine Margeaux, one of the prisoners McGarrett befriended in "Maka ihu," contacts him and tells him she is innocent. McGarrett delegates Kono to investigate the woman's case, which Kono, of course, solves in about 18 seconds. McGarrett and the governor then arrange a pardon for the wrongly imprisoned woman. After the crisis is resolved, Rosemary thanks McGarrett by taking him on a week-long cruise. Their romantic getaway isn't all that they would have hoped for. McGarrett keeps thinking that he has seen the heavy-set captain of their "love boat" before. Captain Merrill Stubing's greatest joy in life is his nightly ship's lounge rendition of familiar Hawaiian tunes, attendance at which is mandatory for all passengers. While the Captain is stumbling his way through the hapa-haole hip-hop song "It is a Big Thang, Sista," McGarrett finally recognizes him as a wanted felon from Hawaii, but realizes the statute of limitations has expired on his earlier crimes, so he can't arrest him. However, the captain becomes drunk at a post-concert reception where he strips naked and starts rubbing himself with a bar of soap. This gives McGarrett the reason he needs to arrest the captain (public indecency), and he arranges to transport Stubing back to Hawaii on a rubber dinghy that only seats two. (McGarrett totally forgets about Rosemary, he is so obsessed with his prisoner.) McGarrett and Stubing are far away from the ship heading to Hawaii in the dinghy when a big chicken bone left over in the captain's back pocket from his dinner pokes several holes in the dinghy which starts to take on water. Sharks start circling around the boat as the engine also runs out of gas (McGarrett didn't check to see if the tank was full because he never had to do this as a Navy SEAL). Just at this moment, a giant rolling wave that is going from right to left capsizes the dinghy and the two men wash up on a small island. McGarrett has an injured arm, but still has his service revolver, and plans to sit tight with the captain until rescuers arrive. Stubing, becoming very sweaty in the humid atmosphere, says he wants to take a shower. He whips out his bar of soap (where he has kept this concealed is a mystery) and throws it on the ground in front of McGarrett, who slips on it and falls, allowing the captain to overpower him and steal the gun. Saying "I hate your livin' insides," Stubing forces McGarrett to hike through the jungle, where they come across what looks like an abandoned cabin. McGarrett is handcuffed to a tree while the captain goes inside to look for food and to take a shower. Outside, McGarrett sees a bald-headed man approaching who identifies himself as "John." McGarrett tells John there's a dangerous felon inside the cabin and to be careful. John thanks him, then disappears. Stubing is inside the cabin showering and singing when all of a sudden black smoke comes flying into the bathroom, lifts him into the air as the captain screams "Let 'em roll, let 'em roll", and tosses him all the way out into the ocean. Shark fins appear (the same sharks who circled the dinghy earlier) and soon a very large red stain, along with pieces of flesh, appear in the water. Eventually, rescue helicopters arrive, and Danno is on one of them. He locates Steve and asks what happened to the captain. McGarrett replies "Sharks got 'im!" Co-starring Gerald S. O'Loughlin (no relation to Alex) as Old Man and Jim Nabors as Busboy. (Curry/Hermano/Quincy)
McGarrett gets an urgent call from the Governor. A group of fans of the classic filmed-in-Hawaii cop show Strike Force Oahu, which was popular over 30 years before, are gathering in Honolulu. The Governor tells McGarrett that she has heard that some of the more extreme fans are going to be harassing the actors from a "reimagining" of the show which is currently being filmed.
The fans have plenty of grievances regarding the new show, which they consider a “travesty.” One of their main complaints is that the actor chosen to play the lead role on the show is Allan O. Laughing Horse, a 34-year-old Canadian native Indian actor best known for his portrayal of a werewolf on a show called MoonHowler which only lasted one season. The Governor wants Five-0 to preserve order at all costs, because Hawaii cannot afford to lose the millions of dollars in business which the new film company is pumping into the local economy.
The first thing McGarrett does is assign Danno to be a 24-hour-a-day bodyguard for Laughing Horse, a job which Danno totally hates. Danno figures this is punishment for complaining too much that he was “all thumbs” when typing on his cel phone touch screen. Laughing Horse starts to drive Danno crazy because, fresh off his role playing a werewolf in his previous show, he seems to believe he really is a werewolf at times. On the night of a full moon, for example, Laughing Horse sneaks out of his bedroom and tries to bite Danno, who is sleeping on the living room couch. Danno starts carrying garlic and Milkbone dog biscuits (note: product placement) around with him, which puts Laughing Horse at ease.
Kono, pretending to be a Korean-born Canadian follower of the new show and Laughing Horse in particular, infiltrates the fan group, which goes under the name of SFA (Strike Force Alliance). She meets Elima Aupauole, the Honolulu woman who is organizing SFA’s get-togethers. The meetings take place surreptitiously in the woman’s Kalihi bungalow where she lives with over 50 cats.
Kono reports to McGarrett that the fans are incensed because they were not consulted for their opinions on how the new show should be cast. They are also upset that the new show keeps misidentifying local landmarks and otherwise faking locations so that local flavor has been completely lost in this "reincarnation." One fan is especially annoyed because they didn't use his script which involved the ghost of a bushido. And finally, the music in the new show is really bad – far too much harmonica.
Using her Windows 7 LG phone and help from Chin Ho, who just finished a correspondence course in anagrams and advanced cryptography, Kono uses Microsoft’s Bing search engine to determine that another fan of the old show she encountered at the meetings who calls herself Reptilian Geek (Noomi Rapace) has made thousands of postings under a very similar pseudonym to various online fan forums for Laughing Horse. (As well, it is suspicious that Reptilian Geek is very young compared to the other fans of the old show and sports tattoos of snakes all over her body.)
With the all-encompassing resources of the Five-0 Supercomputer® back at the office, Chin Ho discovers that in Reptilian Geek’s postings, which span at least a dozen forums and go back many months, she totally hates the star of the old show, Jacques Seigneur, who lives in seclusion in Hawaii. (Ironically, Seigneur is also a Canadian. He moved to Hawaii while playing top cop on the old show for over 10 years). Chin determines that Reptilian Geek is planning to kill Seigneur because he is the only link left with the old show. She feels that if he's dead, fans of the old show will instantly become fans of the new show.
Aiming to get the most attention for their cause, the members of SFA converge at a mall which Seigneur used to frequent, in front of which is a large statue of the former Strike Force star. Interestingly, Seigneur lives right across the street from this mall in a palatial condominium. As well, in another “interesting coincidence,” the new show is filming their latest episode only two blocks away. Aupauole chains herself to the statue along with several other members of her group, deliriously chanting catch phrases from the old show like “Arrest him and lock him up.” All of this action is observed by Chin Ho, who is watching from the Five-0 Surveillance Van® nearby.
HPD soon shows up at the mall, but McGarrett tells their commanding officer, Sergeant Duke Lukela, “We’ll take care of this,” and HPD return to their regular duties, helping tourists locate the Iolani Palace and handing out jaywalking tickets.
The standoff with the chained fans drags on into the evening and McGarrett is getting desperate to resolve the situation, especially since a bevy of TV networks is covering the event and broadcasting it live all over the world (Eddie Sherman has a cameo as a reporter). Suddenly all eyes are focused on the door to Seigneur’s condominium across the street. The aged star, almost 90 years old, is seen, very slowly walking towards his statue. The photography, which usually has a yellowish tinge, suddenly becomes normal and then blindingly bright, and the harmonica on the soundtrack is replaced by large-scale symphonic music including an angelic choir.
As Seigneur moves at a snail’s pace towards Aupauole saying “Easy, easy…,” she babbles even more incoherently. McGarrett sees Reptilian Geek pull a taser-like device out of her pocket and start to move towards Seigneur. But suddenly Reptilian Geek falls to her knees, bursting into tears, overcome by Seigneur’s “aura,” and kisses his feet. McGarrett is speechless. What is more amazing, so is Danno, who is in touch with McGarrett from the location nearby.
Seigneur returns into his building as Five-0 cuts the SFA fans free with the Official Five-0 Bolt Cutters®. As they are about to load the protesters into the Five-0 Surveillance Van® (since the HPD paddy wagon has gone back to headquarters), Aupauole suddenly breaks free and starts to run across the street. But just at that moment, she is run over by a catering truck from the new series whose driver is lost, breaking all of her ribs, arms and legs.
The show ends inside Elima Aupauole’s house where she is confined to bed since she can't afford a hospital stay. The penultimate shot of the episode shows her 50 cats lined up at her bedroom door, licking their lips, staring at her as she lies defenseless.
Cut to an exterior shot of the house as screams are heard. The camera continues pulling back further to reveal the film crew for the new series filming a scene just down the street from her house, oblivious to the screams. Danno is still guarding Laughing Horse, Chin Ho is still watching in the Surveillance Van®, and Kono is seen surfing at the beach. McGarrett sits in his car watching the filming location with a very serious look on his face. (Curry/Hermano/Quincy)
The episode opens off the coast of Oahu, with long shots of a garbage barge. One of the crewmen on the tug pulling the barge is a convict named Percy Oopers, who several weeks before broke out of South Woods State Prison in New Jersey where Danno had put him away years before on multiple charges. Only four foot three inches in height, Oopers was known among his fellow convicts as "Li'l Poopers."
Having left the Port of New York and New Jersey, the barge was turned away by North Carolina, Florida, Louisiana, Alabama, and Texas, as well as Cuba, Belize, and, at one point, the Mexican Navy. After managing to get through the Panama Canal, the barge headed for Hawaii.
Aiming to get his revenge on Danno, Poopers jumps off the tug as it is anchored off the port of Honolulu (where the barge has also been turned away) and swims ashore. After drying off, he mugs a tourist and steals the tourist's new Windows Phone 7 after the tourist has explained to him how it works, where it can be purchased, and how much it costs. Poopers uses a special Criminals-Bent-On-Revenge app on the phone to determine where Danno's ex-wife and daughter live, and immediately rents the house next door to them, which has been vacant for some time since the previous occupants went to prison.
Poopers takes Rachel and Gracie hostage and demands that Danno come negotiate for their release. Danno arrives and arranges a swap so he becomes Poopers' hostage instead. Chin mans the Five-0 Surveillance Van® to track their movements inside the house, and transmits the information to McGarrett, who then drives his monster truck to the residence, crashes through the wall and runs over Poopers. However, he also runs over Danno in the process.
Danno is pretty annoyed since he now has a skull fracture, a broken collarbone and a torn rectum, which requires him to wear a diaper for several weeks. (Among the usual McGarrett/Danno banter, there are several "pain in the ass" puns.)
The singing coroner, while examining Poopers' body, learns that while on the garbage barge, Poopers picked up a deadly parasite that is transmitted through saliva. The coroner sits down at his piano and begins to write a song about the parasite. McGarrett, in the meantime, realizes he has to destroy the barge so that the remaining parasites don't get released into the population. Fortunately, his SEAL experience has trained him for just such an emergency: he commandeers the Five-0 Chopper®, and with an industrial strength cable, lifts the barge out of the water and flies it over an active volcano on the Big Island, dropping it into the bubbling lava below.
Back at the Hawaii Medical Center where he is recovering, Danno's ex and daughter visit him in a major "Awww" moment. Rachel gives him a kiss on the forehead, then reveals that while she was being held captive, Poopers kept kissing her knees. (Remember - he was a midget. He also had a knee fetish). Danno groans when he realizes that the parasite has, as a result, spread to his wife, and now to him.
Fortunately, Chin Ho arrives at Danno's room just in time, having discovered a cure, which he gives to Danno and his ex. Chin mentions that he found the cure by using a new Parasite Detection and Analysis app on his Windows Phone 7, and he spends the next several minutes explaining what a great app it is and how it works, while Danno proceeds to literally shit himself.
The episode ends in a light-hearted manner. Kono, who is in charge of Five-0 "social activities," decides to cheer Danno up by giving him a "day in New Jersey" party in his hospital room. They get some typical New Jersey food including Italian Hot Dogs and Disco Fries, decorate his room with pictures of Frank Sinatra and The Boss on the walls, and play music by these two singers. Chin Ho manages to find a smog machine which pumps a lot of black smoke into the room.
Unfortunately, things go awry because all the male team members get food poisoning from the New Jersey food. (Kono is immune since she never eats anything but shave ice.) The governor who was invited, but got detained, shows up and walks in on a scene of McGarrett, Danno, and Chin puking their guts out, and Kono standing in the middle of it all crying because her Five-0 celebration was such a flop. The Governor turns into "mom" ordering everyone around. After telling her public safety liaison to clean up the mess, the Governor rushes away to attend her party's political nomination meeting. (Story by Hermano; teleplay by Hermano and Curry; script supervision by Quincy)
The show scores a major coup by getting teen heartthrob Justin Bieber as a guest star. With suitable makeup to make him look older than he really is, he plays Julio Assuage, who has a low-level government job with the State of Hawaii. When he was a child, his family moved to Hawaii from Chile, where his kind old grandfather (shown in flashbacks during the show) was murdered during the political turmoil over Salvador Allende in the early 1970s. As a result, Julio hates anything to do with government oppression and conspiratorial bureaucracy with a passion. One day, just before he leaves work, he finds his boss's computer terminal open to a page with details about the Hawaii Five-0 expense report and various other top-secret information. Pretending he has to work late, he spends hours printing out the report and other classified information, including a scandalous revelation that Catherine, McGarrett's girlfriend in the Navy, is in fact an al Qaeda spy. The next day, Assuage sends the Governor several pages that he copied along with a threatening letter demanding millions of dollars as well as the disbandonment of Five-0 and the Governor's immediate resignation. He signs the letter "WikiWiki Leaks." This causes the Governor to totally freak out, because he's already doing damage control after the leaked Five-0 expense budget (see "Powa," above), which includes thousands of dollars spent on Danno's hair pomade. The entire Five-0 staff is summoned for a meeting at the Governor's mansion where he tells them that he wants WikiWiki Leaks to be terminated by any means necessary, using even more than the usual all-encompassing powers that he has given Five-0. Working in conjunction with Danno, Kono uses triangulation similar to the Civil Defense trucks of the old Five-O to figure out what Julio's cel phone number is. (Julio has made several calls to McGarrett's own phone, since he managed to find the top cop's number during his snooping.) Kono sends sexually suggestive messages to Julio's cel, trying to get his attention. It doesn't work. Chin Ho tries to trap Julio with some of the money which was stolen by his uncle that was not accounted for by all the Internal Affairs audits, but the money drop is bungled, and Julio takes the cash and puts it in a Swiss bank account. Watching the efforts of the others come to nothing, McGarrett is at his wits' end. With the help of Kamekona, he tracks Julio down to a ramshackle Hotel Street dive. They break the door down, but Julio hides under the bed, which is infested with bugs, so he figures no one will come near it. Kamekona sits on the bed, however, which collapses, seriously injuring Julio, who is immediately arrested. Taken to the hospital, Julio is kept under heavy HPD guard, but after he eats a few hospital meals, his condition worsens, and he appears to kick the bucket. On Max Bergman's table for an autopsy, the coroner is about to slice into him when Julio sits up and tries to tell him he's not dead. He sings "No More Secrets" (one of Bieber's current hits) to prove to the coroner he's still alive. The coroner decides he likes Julio's music, so he goes over to his piano in the autopsy room and proceeds to attempt a duet with Julio as he tickles the ivories. Julio is horrified by how the coroner is butchering the song, and grabbing a scalpel, kills himself by slitting his throat, rather than listening to another note. (Hermano/Quincy)
A huge luau is held at McGarrett's house. Aside from traditional foods, it features every goodie ever mentioned on the show, including items from local snack shops and bakeries and too many Hawaiian-brewed beers to count. Every member of the "ohana" who has ever appeared on the show (as well as several others) is present, including McGarrett's mother, sister, aunt, and ghost of his dead father, Danno's mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, three aunts, four uncles, ex-wife and her husband and Danno's brother Matt (McGarrett ignores the fact he is a fugitive wanted by the FBI), plus friends like Max, Grover, Duke, Kamekona, Flippa, Charlie Fong and multiple characters played by Jimmy Borges. Because the roast pig was undercooked, everyone attending is stricken by food poisoning, resulting in a massive attack of diarrhea. Panicking because the toilets in his house are not adequate to accommodate this outbreak, McGarrett tries to rent several port-a-potties, only to discover that Wo Fat (recently let out of jail on a technicality) has every one of these toilets on Oahu already rented and locked in a warehouse on the north end of the island miles away. (Title by John C.; story and teleplay by Quincy)
McGarrett has become chummy with a former drug sniffing DEA dog named Eddie. While Eddie lost his handler who was shot dead in a confrontation at the docks recently, the dog was going to be retired anyway, because he had failed to do a good job detecting drugs at the airport where he worked.
After McGarrett takes him home, Eddie snoops around the neighbor’s house and finds that they are into smoking weed. The dog eats a bunch of treats that the neighbors made for their dog (a female). As a result, Eddie and the neighbor's dog get totally stoned and do it … ahem … "doggie style."
McGarrett witnesses this and is horrified, because it gives him all sorts of memories about life with his old girl friend Catherine, how great they were as a couple, etc. Much of the episode consists of flashbacks from Catherine's appearances in earlier shows. This is sort of OK — at least it brings her back to the show in some capacity!
On the other hand, Danno can’t stand not being the center of attention (a copyrighted trope for Five-0) and he also gets a dog. Of course, it is a "Dannoying" Danno-like dog which can’t stop ████ing yapping and carrying on. McGarrett’s dog Eddie is pretty laid back, but Danno’s dog starts to drive Eddie crazy, making him all hyper. As a result, McGarrett and Danno have to send their dogs to a special "dog retreat" where they undergo canine therapy. (Quincy)
In this episode, Five-0 does everything correctly. For example, they read a suspect their rights, they take great pains to make sure that they interview the person with a lawyer present if the person asks for one. There is no blue-lit room, Danno does not yammer away like an idiot, McGarrett does not drive the car too fast and Danno is allowed to drive his own car. If crimes are committed within a short distance of Five-Zero headquarters, they use bicycles to get to the scene. None of the "immunity and means" baloney applies any more. There are some Mexican and Muslim people on the show that are normal people, i.e., they aren't the usual stereotypical terrorists, drug dealers, etc. It is suggested that Five-0 should go to North Korea to rescue one of McGarrett's old military pals who is being held there, but he says "No, we can't do that, that is far too dangerous." McGarrett really is interested in Catherine, he isn't constantly dithering about their relationship, with the result that Catherine returns for good and the two of them ████ each other's brains out, get married and settle down in the next episode, which actually carries on from this one, rather than flying off in a tangent about something totally different. A very disturbing show! Grace Park and Daniel Dae Kim make cameo appearances at the wedding. (Quincy)
The episode opens with Steve and Danno applying for a business license for their upcoming restaurant, and five minutes are spent in a long argument as to whose signature will be on the license application. A scuffle then ensues, where both men attempt to grab the license application, it rips, and they both realize they will have to download and print a new form from the internet. This dramatic scene, finishing with a close-up of the ripped paper, is the lead-in to the episode’s opening theme.
Grover has a long discussion with his son about the best places to take a girl on a date. He tells a story from 1978 when he took a girl to a drive-in, but the girl actually had an interest in the movie and wouldn’t make out with him in the car. Grover’s son asks him what a drive-in is, and that launches Grover into another tirade about how kids today missed out on all the best things in life.
Tani visits a 7-11 and pressures the clerk into hiring her brother to work there, after she found evidence that the Coca-Cola Slurpee is really made with RC Cola. Tani’s brother seemingly does a good job during his first day of work, but he later crushes the contents of a Sweet Tarts pack and snorts it, resulting in an overdose and subsequent hospitalization. Tani tells her brother that she’s getting tired of bailing him out of trouble, and this time being the 12th incident of the season might be the final straw.
Junior, now inexplicably living in the sewer despite drawing a nice salary on Five-0, hears what he believes is an alligator swimming in the water there, but cannot seem to ever locate the creature. He finally figures out that he’s been hearing an unusually large goldfish which was erroneously thought to be dead, flushed, and managed to live in the sewer. He adopts it as his pet.
Kamekona’s shrimp truck is cited by the health department, temporarily closing it down. He eventually convinces the health inspector to allow him to reopen the truck, as long as he prominently displays the “C” cleanliness grade.
Adam makes the tough decision to file for divorce, when he realizes that Kono will not be returning to Hawaii, due to the government’s refusal to pay her as much as her white co-workers.
As the episode comes to a close, McGarrett realizes that there has been zero crime-fighting in the entire episode. He runs outside the Iolani Palace, witnesses a 14-year-old boy jaywalking, and gives him a ticket. (Cromwell)
[Cartermatt.com reported that this episode was banned, but an investigation reveals that the reason it never was broadcast was because the writers refused to finish it. I have managed to obtain sketches and memos from C/H/Q which reveal what happened. -- Mr. Mike]
WARNING: This summary contains scenes which some people may find disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.
At the upscale Chudoku Japanese restaurant, a chef named Heta Kuso is cutting up a fugu fish while making a meal for a party of four. In dialogue liberally cribbed from Wikipedia, Kuso explains to the diners that this fish is extremely dangerous because parts of it are 1,200 times more poisonous than cyanide. He tells them that he is one of only two chefs in Honolulu who is licensed to prepare it. Kuso jokes that he wouldn't let the the diners eat something that he wasn't prepared to eat himself, and he gobbles a piece of the fugu. Only a few seconds pass before he starts to act as if he is going to throw up. He does, and the vomit falls on the grill in front of him (close-up of the vomit sizzling). Kuso then clutches his chest and falls face first on to the grill (close up of the fire burning his face). The horrified diners scream as we cut to the opening credits.
Following the credits, we are at McGarrett's house. He and Danno are arguing about their restaurant, which is no further along the road to opening. McGarrett is fed up by the constant delays, and has taken the day off to clean up his place, but Danno is nagging him non-stop. Suddenly there are horrible howling noises from a dog outside. The two of them rush to the street to see what looks like McGarrett's dog Eddie which has been run over by a large dump truck (closeup of the dog's crushed body). McGarrett is distraught, but Danno can't stop talking about the restaurant, saying things like "Come on, it's only a dog." McGarrett has had enough, and punches Danno in the face. Blood spurts from Danno's nose (closeup of his face). Realizing that McGarrett is really over the edge, Danno leaves the scene quickly and finally gets to drive his own car ... to the hospital. McGarrett is freaking out about the loss of his dog, but suddenly Eddie appears from nowhere (in other words, the crushed dog is not McGarrett's). McGarrett breaks into a big smile as Eddie goes to the run-over dog and starts sniffing its remains (closeup of this). The neighbors' dog (a female) also appears on the scene and the two dogs start sniffing each other's asses (another closeup).
McG gets the usual "time for serious business" phone call. He goes to the Medical Examiners Office (Danno is conveniently out of the rest of the show). Noelani is already analyzing Kuso's body. She has it cut up and guts and other internal organs are spread all over the autopsy room. (Closeup of this, as well as Kuso's face, etc. which was horribly burned by the grill.) Noelani has determined that Kuso didn't die from fugu fish poison, it was another poison.
[Things don't go beyond this point. There is a memo from C/H/Q to Executive Producer Peter Lenkov (who wrote the "story" for this show) saying that no one wants to work on the episode any more because it is so disgusting. Lenkov previously provided ideas that Kuso had a mistress named Kusai Manko, the wife of another chef in town who put her up to knocking Kuso off after he discovered their affair. There are a bunch of the usual "further crazy complications", including someone committing harakiri in nauseating detail, because their honor has been besmirched. There is also some correspondence with the American Humane organization making sure that the show would get end-credit certification that "no animals were harmed" as far as the crushed canine was concerned.]