Five-O Torture Techniques

C/H/Q Paper Products® is proud [sic] to present a list of ideas for "special Five-O interrogation techniques" which may appear in second season shows (and beyond). These are all copyright ©2010. No reproduction of any kind without permission. (N.B. Roberto and J.R. Orci!)

They string the suspect below a helicopter (since McGarrett DOES know how to fly a helicopter) and fly him to the Big Island, where he is held above a bubbling volcano (would be better if they had 2-3 suspects below the helicopter, considering the extra cost involved).

They tie the suspect behind the official Five-O Yacht® in such a way that Danno can stand on the guy like a human water ski, then McGarrett pilots the yacht around Oʻahu two or three times.

They strap a cage onto the face of the suspect, ą la "1984," except the cage is full of ferocious, hungry mongooses.

They tie the suspects spread-eagled beneath a palm tree and Chin Ho shinnies up barefoot to the top and, with sniper-like accuracy, hurls coconuts down onto the suspects' crotches (this would only work with male suspects, obviously). This would look especially cool if they used a Busby Berkeley-style overhead shot of the suspects spread around the tree in a circle and touching ankle-to-ankle, wrist-to-wrist.

The male members of the team dress up as vampires, complete with click-to-load fangs and yellow contact lenses and Kono then lures a female suspect into a dark warehouse with no escape. Kono at first pretends to be just as terrified and helps the suspect escape into a closet or other tiny space. And just when the suspect thinks she's safe, Kono whips her head around, eyes flashing yellow and fangs clicking into place.

They strip the suspect naked, throw him in an ice-water-filled bathtub, then they lower a plugged-in hairdryer tied to a rope slowly downward toward the tub, so the guy gets a good zap. (Shades of the classic James Bond film Goldfinger.) Or they could throw a baby alligator into the tub with him.

They duct tape the suspect's mouth to the tail pipe of Danno's Camaro, then go and rev the engine (later, if he is still alive, they drive around the parking lot after further attaching the suspect to the car with ropes).

Danno and McGarrett forcibly place the suspect on the top step of the going-up escalator at HHV (Hilton Hawaiian Village). McGarrett then leans down and unties the suspect's shoes, feeding the tips of the shoelaces well into the escalator mechanism. Even as the suspect begins screaming his head off and promising he'll tell them anything they want, Danno and McGarrett actually drown him out with nonstop "banter." A huge crowd gathers to watch, many actually whipping out cell phones and cameras, but nobody actually does anything; the team completely ignores the bystanders.

They force-feed the suspect poo-poo bags used with Kono's dog.